Dumb and Dumber — A Bond Trader’s Bondage, a Billionaire Bailout, and Hitler
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Okay, people. We gotta lotta ground to cover. And it’s covered in a whole lotta excrement.
DUMB — Bailing Out Billionaires
Picture this: A red-hot sector makes top executives obscenely rich. Then the sector implodes, and the rich guys ask the government for a bailout.
If you’re having a foreclosure flashback from 2008, pass the Excedrin. There’s a new bailout being pitched — not for housing, but for the energy sector.
The people who trade in energy and other commodities have had a fantastic few years, according to Bloomberg, with an estimated $160 billion in combined gross margin since 2019.
Now we’re on the precipice of World War III, and the tide has turned against the traders. Bankers want them to set aside massive amounts of money on margin as protection, a demand that could require traders to sell their private jets and put their Swiss chalets up on VRBO.
Inconceivable!
So over in Europe, some energy traders want a government bailout in the form of short-term lending.
When normal people need an emergency loan, they’re first asked to dip into their own pockets. These energy guys and gals have very deep pockets.
As Bloomberg’s Javier Blas writes, “If traders need extra liquidity, as their lobby group suggested, chief financial officers should start by looking inward: Tap the very same executives who enjoyed the riches of recent years.”
Blas adds that nobody can come up with cash quicker than the commodities sector. “There’s a reason why some of their owners are ranked among the world’s billionaires.” True. Probably because they use other people’s money.
DUMBER — DUMBO
Dumbo is the only Disney character who never speaks.
Disney CEO Bob Chapek played Dumbo when he didn’t speak up about a controversial new Florida law banning talk of sexual orientation in elementary school. Suddenly, his leadership style was the elephant in the room. I wrote about this in my last D&D column, but Chapek can’t seem to make the problem go away.
Disney CEO Bob Chapek/MediaNews Group, Getty Images
An estimated 60–70 employees walked out of the Disney headquarters in California this week in protest.
Disney, meantime, has been busy falling all over itself to assure employees that it’s a huge supporter of LGBTQ+ rights. But in an all-hands virtual town hall this week, Chapek did not take sole responsibility. “I understand where we have made mistakes — and the pain the mistakes caused,” he’s quoted as saying by the New York Times.
Wait. You’re saying... “We” made mistakes?
“I know that our silence wasn’t just about the bill in Florida,” he continued, “but about every time an individual or institution that should have stood up for this community didn’t.”
“Our” silence?
“I and the leadership team are determined to use this moment as a catalyst for more meaningful and lasting change.”
Good to know the buck stops with “you” ... and the leadership team.
DUMBERER — The Sky is Failing
Why does it take so long to convict someone of being a jerk on an airplane? Way back in October 2019, 38-year-old Daniel Parkhurst allegedly grabbed the upper inner thigh of a female passenger who fell asleep on their Southwest flight from Seattle to Las Vegas. That woke her up! When she told him to stop squeezing her thigh, witnesses say he refused, and then hit her several times.
Then he got into it with the flight crew.
Parkhurst was arrested, and this month, he pled guilty to assault and interfering with a flight crew. Two and a half years later.
Honorable Mention — Cruzing Attitude
Police had to be called to the United counter at the airport in Bozeman, Montana, when Ted Cruz missed boarding his flight and allegedly had a hissy fit. Someone who posted part of the encounter on Reddit claims the Senator from Texas “accosted“ employees and said something like, “Don’t you know who I am?”
I haven't heard Cruz's side of the story (he hasn’t spoken about it as of this writing), and the video on Reddit shows him acting relatively calm after the police arrive. But it’s Ted Cruz, so…
DUMBERERER — Who’s That Girl?
Former President Bill Clinton was waxing nostalgic about Madeleine Albright on CNN this week as the network reported on her death from cancer. Presumably some newsroom intern and videotape editor had to scramble to find file tape to cover the interview.
That tape included Albright testifying at a hearing in 2015, and… wait, who’s the blonde sitting behind her? Why, it’s convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos! (Go to the 4:55 mark in this video.)
Awkward! It’s ironic that the file-tape snafu happened as Pres. Clinton spoke, since his chats with Holmes at The Clinton Global Initiative helped hype her just as Theranos was falling apart.
But where did this Holmes–Albright video come from? I found it on C-SPAN. In January 2015, Holmes attended a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing and sat behind Albright, along with two former Secretaries of State who were on the board of Theranos, the late George Shultz and Henry Kissinger. I wonder if Holmes pitched Albright to join up, too, but was turned down? If so, Albright proved herself to be the smartest Secretary of State in the room.
So many unhappy faces...
DUMBERERERER — Bond Villain?
Howard Rubin was a trader at Salomon Brothers who was made famous in Michael Lewis’ “Liar’s Poker,” the only book you’ll ever need to understand Wall Street.
Howard Rubin/Getty Images
Rubin has gone from bonds to bondage. He’s being sued in federal court by six women who claim the Wall Street veteran drugged, beat and raped them in a “dungeon” inside his Manhattan penthouse. They want $3 million apiece.
Bloomberg reports that Rubin claims the women signed agreements “to engage in bondage and sadomasochistic behavior with him” and that they were “savvy, streetwise women.” Nice! BTW, I’d like to see those contracts.
His attorney told the jury that Rubin has led an “unconventional personal life,” one that included BDSM encounters which “could be painful,” but nobody ever got hurt.
And, a contract’s a contract!
DUMBERERERERER — Flying Cars
Some bozo rented a Tesla from Enterprise, filled it with passengers and a cat (allegedly), and sent it flying through the air in a Los Angeles neighborhood. Go two minutes into the video. It’s wild. (WARNING: copious f-bombs throughout.)
The local ABC station says the LAPD is working with Enterprise to try to find the driver, and the department tweeted out that they’d like to have a chat with a Youtuber named Dominykas, aka @durtedom.
It took a lot of old-fashioned gumshoe detective work to find a suspect, but the cops got lucky. Dominykas tweeted that he was the driver.
Then, as police reached out to him, the Youtuber/TikToker/Tweeter (dude, get a real job) said he was joking, that he doesn’t know who was driving the Tesla, but it wasn’t him.
This is our future, America.
Regardless of who drove the flying Tesla, the stunt damaged a parked Subaru, and the owner of that car has managed to raise over $22,000 on a GoFundMe campaign for repairs.
DUMBERERERERERER — Smart Job, Dumb Pay
UCLA/Gary Coronado, Getty Images
UCLA wanted to hire an assistant adjunct professor for the chemistry department without pay. “Applicants must understand there will be no compensation for this position.” The university expected someone with a Ph.D to apply.
To work for free.
Even on a liberal college campus, where capitalism is evil and everything should be free, the job listing didn’t seem fair. There was some Bruin blowback.
This is especially galling at a time when the state of California, which funds much of the UC system, has a surplus of at least $45 billion.
UCLA Director of Media Relations, Bill Kisliuk, told Inside Higher Ed that the job listing wasn’t out of the norm. “Some positions may be without salary when individuals are compensated by other sources and a formal affiliation with UCLA is necessary.” For example, people might skip the salary if they’re already being paid with grants. But it apparently didn’t say that on the application. Inside Higher Ed reports the lack of pay wasn’t conditional. It just said there was no salary, period.
Three days later, Insider Higher Ed reported that Kisliuk— the same guy who defended the lack of salary — came out with a new statement saying the original job posting had errors “and we are sorry. We always offer compensation for formal classroom teaching.”
So, which is it? Is it normal to not pay a Ph.D-level professor if there are other income streams, or do you always offer compensation?
I’m confused, but then I went to the other school in town, so maybe I’m not as smart.
DUMBEST (almost) — Guy in Suit is Dressed Down for Criticizing Zelenskyy
Zelenskyy addresses the U.S. Congress on March 16, 2022/Getty Images
This was going to be Dumbest, but there’s a late add below.
Peter Schiff is worth tens of millions of dollars because he’s a smart guy. So it was eyebrow-raising when the investor and podcaster decided to venture away from talking about the Fed and instead call out Ukrainian President Voldymyr Zelenskyy for wearing a T-shirt on a Zoom call with Congress. (BTW, am I the only one whose autocorrect keeps turning “Voldymyr” into “Voldemort”?)
“I understand times are hard, but doesn’t the President of the #Ukraine own a suit?” Schiff tweeted. “I don’t have much respect for current members of the U.S. Congress either, but I still wouldn’t address them wearing a t-shirt. I wouldn’t want to disrespect the the institution or the United States.”
Needless to say, the tweet fell as flat as the yield curve. Over 100,000 replies flew in.
Was Schiff remorseful? Please.
He doubled, tripled, quadrupled down on his critics as they pointed out that Zelenskyy is in the middle of a war. “He wasn’t on the battlefield,” Schiff replied to one. To another he said, “Given all the time he spent on his hair and beard as well as lighting and makeup, he could have worn something less casual than a t-shirt.”
DUMBEST (for real) — Stop Invoking Hitler
Lloyd Blankfein is even more successful than Peter Schiff — a billionaire! — but the former CEO of Goldman Sachs committed the oft-repeated and tremendously stupid error of comparing (fill in the blank) to Hitler. In this case, amid reports President Biden said the U.S. would respond if Vladimir Putin uses chemical weapons, Lloyd pointed out that, hey, even Hitler never did that!! And he could have!
I guess Hitler was too busy killing six million Jews and millions of others in gas chambers. Any sentence with the phrase “even Hitler” never ends well. In a history filled with evil, Adolf Hitler is in a class by himself. Let’s keep him there.
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SOMETHING WONDERFUL — The Cat’s Meow
Time to wrap up with something wonderful that will give the most anti-cat human the feels.
I’ve always been a dog person. I thought it was ridiculous when Ripley risked everything in the movie “Alien” to rescue her cat. Ripley, you’re about to die a horrible death in a place where no one can hear you scream. Forget the cat!
I don’t feel that way now. Stepan changed me.
Stepan became a viral sensation in Ukraine for his laidback loneliness in photos filled with festiveness. He was the purrfect pandemic cat, and he amassed over a million followers on TikTok and Instagram. I mean, look at him. ADORABLE.
Stepan lived in Kharkiv, and when that city came under Russian attack this month, his fans grew worried. Would the cat survive?
I’m happy to report that Stepan has at least eight lives left. The cat and his family escaped to Poland, where a group called the World Influencers and Bloggers Association helped them settle in France. Stepan is back online and helping raise money for animal welfare groups still in Ukraine.
It’s enough to make you a cat person, right? Almost? Join the conversation below, or email jane@janewells.com. Spread the word about Wells $treet with this link, and follow me in the usual places: Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Cover artwork by Southerlycourse/Getty Images