DUMB AND DUMBER — From Billionaires to Boris
Plus TikTok Tacky and Professional Pillow Fighting (with Me!)
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Apologies for the late post. I was busy fighting off MMA women wielding pillows. More on that at the end of this column. Meantime, pour yourself an adult beverage and read up on the world’s latest financial foibles. I rank them from dumb to dumbest, then end with something wonderful.
DUMB — TikTok Marketing Chief Tiks Off Bosses
TikTok hired Nick Tran away from Hulu two years ago to make the social media giant even more “it” with the “it” crowd. Tran has an extensive and award-winning career in marketing and branding, but according to the New York Post, he “went rogue” and got himself fired.
The Post claims Tran’s “side shows” included an initiative (currently mothballed) to allow TikTok users to apply for jobs on the platform, and big plans to let celebrities sell NFTs (looks like they only had a handful of auctions).
The “final straw” was Tran’s plan to create 1,000 “ghost kitchens” to make and deliver foods made popular on TikTok, such as the uber-trendy “baked feta pasta.” A TikTok executive reportedly said on an employee call, “We’re not in the restaurant business and we shouldn’t pretend to be.” Apparently Tran didn’t run the food idea by management first.
Food delivery and TikTok is a dumb idea. Short videos + ghost kitchens is like Meta + cleaning supplies, or Apple + electric cars (oh, wait).
Tran didn’t comment but TikTok confirms he’s out, saying, “We wish him well,” which means they don’t.
DUMBER — Energy Secretary’s “Clerical Error”
Jennifer Granholm graduated from Harvard Law and was the first woman elected Governor of Michigan (twice!). Now she’s risen to the rank of U.S. Secretary of Energy.
Somehow this smart and accomplished political veteran neglected to disclose the sale of shares in her stock portfolio until long after the legal deadline.
This wasn’t a one off. CNBC and Business Insider report that Granholm sold shares NINE times without disclosing them for months, trades that netted her as much as $240,000.
Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm/Alex Wong, Getty Images
Granholm’s office blames the delay on a “clerical error.” I realize that the U.S. Secretary of Energy is busier than I am (I guess?🤷), and richer, too, but she’s not some billionaire for whom this is chump change. According to Forbes, Granholm earned $1.9 million during 2019-2020, including $200,000 for being a talking head at CNN … less than her potential stock sales. Bet she woulda noticed if they hadn’t paid her.
DUMBERER — Your Interest-Bearing Crypto Account
The SEC is starting to poke around certain crypto companies that hold crypto deposits for their customers and pay a much higher interest rate than they’d get at a traditional bank. Bloomberg reports some accounts earn interest as high as 18% (paid in digital coin), which is more than you’ll make on a 3-year Ukrainian bond.
How is 18% possible? These crypto banks — including one launched by the Winklevii — are reportedly paying the interest out of profits made from lending crypto to other investors at even higher rates.
I can’t remember what that’s called.
Anywhoooo, the SEC and a few states are wondering if maybe this isn’t right, though no one’s been accused of any wrongdoing. Yet.
Honorable mention: Paul Vernon, CEO of the now-defunct Cryptsy, has just been indicted on 17 federal charges claiming that he stole money out of clients’ crypto accounts and fled to China.
DUMBERERER — Was This Plane Crash Faked?
Former Olympic snowboarder and general daredevil Trevor Jacob rigged his airplane with several cameras before taking it up for a spin. Suddenly the engine died, and Jacob had to bail out with a parachute he was already wearing (handy!). Then he managed to videotape his descent to earth with a selfie stick (handy!) while the cameras on the aircraft kept rolling as it smacked into a hillside.
The YouTube video has had 1.4 million views as of this writing, which is more than 20 times the normal size of his audience for videos like “Finding your purpose.”
I guess he found his purpose. But people are starting to ask questions.
Aviation experts believe the crash was a stunt, and the FAA and NTSB are investigating the cause (they would, anyhow). Even though the plane crashed in a remote area of the Southern California wilderness, no one can ever predict what will happen when a pilotless plane hurtles to earth. It could have started a forest fire, or it might have hit something — human or animal. And Trevor Jacob, of course, might have killed himself.
He told the New York Times, “I’ll happily say I did not purposely crash my plane for views on YouTube.” He says he’s filmed himself “since I was 5 years old,” which is pretty young to be filming yourself.
We will take him at his word, with an arched eyebrow, and consider it a dumb move either way.
DUMBERERERER — Billionaires run amok
Quick rundown of how the richest can be the dumbest.
Billion-dollar bickering: Billionaire Leon Black of Apollo Global Management is being sued in civil court by an ex-lover, a Russian model who accuses the Wall Street titan of sexual assault. Black, a former friend of Jeffrey Epstein, has gone ballistic, and he filed a countersuit claiming the relationship was consensual and he’s being extorted.
Now he claims that he’s identified a Brutus within Apollo who’s orchestrated the model’s lawsuit — Apollo’s co-founder, Josh Harris. Black believes Harris has conspired to smear his reputation because Black wouldn’t let him become the next CEO.
Et tu, Joshua.
A spokesman for Harris calls Black’s claim “desperate and absurd.”
Life is a caberet: The former head of Swiss bank cooperative Raiffeisen Switzerland is on trial for allegedly skimming $27 million from client accounts. Boring. Zzzzzz.
But Bloomberg says Pierin Vincenz is also accused of writing off some pretty interesting expenses:
1) Dropping $220,000 of the bank’s money at “strip clubs, contact bars and cabarets.”
2) Charging the bank $4,000 for clean-up of a five-star Zurich hotel room he trashed during a “massive dispute” with a strip club dancer he was dating.
3) Expensing a $750 dollar dinner with a woman he met on Tinder.
I’d like to see those receipts.
Uyghurs, Schmuyghurs! Silicon Valley billionaire investor and one-time California gubernatorial candidate Chamath Palihapitiya said, “Let’s be honest, nobody, nobody cares about what’s happening to the Uyghurs, okay?”
Another Xi fan-boy?!
The comments were made about 15 minutes into the January 15th episode of Palihapitiya‘s podcast, “All-In.”
Palihapitiya is also part-owner of the Golden State Warriors, and the team quickly put out a statement saying that the billionaire “does not speak on behalf of our franchise, and his views certainly don’t reflect those of our organization.” The Warriors didn’t actually mention the Uyghurs by name, because this is the NBA, not the Women’s Tennis Association (which has actual balls).
Palihapitiya later tweeted that as a one-time refugee himself, “Human rights matter, whether in China, the United States, or elsewhere.” He recognized that in the podcast, “I come across as lacking empathy.” Which doesn’t answer the question of whether he actually has empathy.
DUMBERERERERER — Expensive Government Ridiculousness
2022 taxes with 1962 tech: The IRS doesn’t have scanning technology; its staff has to open mail and input information by hand, reports Axios. Maybe it’s time to outsource tax collection. Try Amazon — it already knows everything about us.
PPP-ewww: Billions of dollars of PPP money was sent to companies to pay employees, so they could keep their jobs. But get ready for the shock of your life! Only 23% – 34% of the money went to workers! The National Bureau of Economic Research did its economic-research thing and found that the rest of the money went to “business owners and shareholders, including creditors and suppliers of PPP-receiving firms.”
DUMBEST — Boris Johnson Pulls a Gavin Newsom
The leader of the world’s 5th largest economy — if a state could be a sovereign nation — faced a recall election launched after he flaunted his own Covid rules and dined at a fancy schmancy restaurant with a bunch of friends, and none of them wore masks.
So you’d think every other major political leader would’ve learned from California Governor Gavin Newsom’s hypocrisy.
Not Boris Johnson! The Prime Minister of the world’s actual 5th largest economy did something dumber than refusing to comb his hair. He popped in on a few parties at Downing Street held while the rest of the country was in strict lockdown. One staff party took place the evening before Queen Elizabeth sat alone at her husband’s funeral to follow social-distancing protocols.
Boris is having a bad week./Getty Images
London police are now investigating whether the frivolity broke any Covid rules, Johnson’s approval rating is now lower than Joe Biden’s, and Boris potentially faces his own Brexit.
Okay... finally...
SOMETHING WONDERFUL — Professional Pillow Fighting
This is so dumb I LOVE IT! A telecom entrepreneur from Florida has spent $350,000 of his own money to launch Fight PFC, a professional pillow fighting league.
Steve Williams says he’s made zero on the investment so far. That may change Saturday night, as Williams launches the league’s first live pay-per-view. Tickets cost $12.99. Fighters will be paid $200 apiece, and the night’s two winners (male and female) will receive a whopping $5,000.
“The world needs a pillow fight right now,” Williams tells me. He says the sport is gaining popularity not just in the U.S. but also in Brazil, Japan and Korea. “One of the craziest things is we’ve got a big [audience] in Kabul, Afghanistan.”
CNBC sent me to Miami to swing a pillow in the name of soft-hitting journalism. Here’s my story.
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📧 Jane@janewells.com