Dumb & Dumber Pt. 1: Bored Apes and Baseball Sluggers
I’m not the sharpest financial mind, otherwise I’d be rich. Maybe I shouldn’t subscribe to 53 different streaming services, or insist on repeatedly buying $4 Venti lemonade ice teas from Starbucks that are 99% water, and perhaps I should limit myself to only 100 monthly Amazon purchases. I’m the sort of cutting-edge investor who bought a fraction of a Bitcoin in 2021 when the crypto currency was peaking at $65,000, then watched it collapse. I held on for two years before throwing in the towel when Bitcoin “rallied” to $37,000, figuring it would tank again.
Bitcoin is currently priced around $70,000.
It’s from this financially idiotic glass house that I throw stones once a month to point out dumb things other people do.
Tomorrow — Easter Sunday — I’ll release the official Dumb & Dumber list for March, and I’ll try to convince myself it’s something Jesus would do, though clearly He would not.
Meantime, I present you with the weekend’s appetizers, a dozen Deviled Eggs made from the Easter basket.
Egg #1 🥚
O’Hare is my least favorite airport in the western world (though Toronto is a close second). But Chicago has been trying to spruce up the place and make it more efficient and beautiful. Problem is, the airport expansion and improvement project is now six years behind schedule and $2 billion over budget. United and American Airlines are balking at subsidizing the extra cost.
Bloomberg says that passengers may instead be forced to pay higher fees. Midway, here I come!
Egg #2 🥚🥚
At least O’Hare is a popular and critical airport with millions of passengers passing through each year. So $2 billion in overruns seems like a bargain compared to the projected $100 billion increase in spending that’s forecast for California’s not-so-speedy high-speed train-to-nowhere. This relic of the Jerry Brown era was originally supposed to cost $40 billion and run from San Diego to San Francisco, but the first stage — from Bakersfield to Merced (Merced?) — is $35 billion alone.
“It's never going to get built,” says Republican State Senator Brian Jones. “It's never going to come to San Diego. It's never going to come to L.A., and it's always going to be $100 billion away.”
He’s right. I predict the first leg will be completed, but only five people will ride the train at a taxpayer-subsidized cost of, like, $100 a ticket. You could drive the same distance for $40 in gas — less in a Tesla, depending on where you charge up — but here’s hoping you never find yourself in the unlikely predicament of needing to get from Bakersfield to Merced.
Egg #3 🥚🥚🥚
In political news, California GOP Senate candidate Steve Garvey reportedly owes the IRS anywhere from $350,000 to $750,000 in back taxes from 2011, plus interest. The former Dodger slugger revealed the tax liability in financial disclosure forms required to run for office.
“We have been taking this very seriously, [we] have always filed our taxes on time,” Garvey told the Sacramento Bee in a statement. I guess someone in Garvey’s financial camp forgot that you have to pay taxes after filing them.
Egg #4 🥚🥚🥚🥚
Speaking of the Dodgers, $700 million superstar Shohei Ohtani is fielding tough questions. His long-time interpreter, Ippei Mizuhara, apparently ran up millions of dollars in sports gambling debts. Ippei and Shohei have been inseparable, more like close friends than colleagues, and the interpreter originally said that Shohei paid off the debt when he became aware of it. Later, Ippei said that wasn’t true. Shohei knew nothing.
In a news conference this week where he did not take any questions, Shohei claimed that the first time he heard about the gambling debt was when the team met after playing an exhibition game in South Korea. Ippei allegedly lied to the entire team about Shohei’s knowledge of events, but since Ippei spoke in English, Shohei had trouble following along. He says that after the meeting, the two met in a hotel room, and Ippei confessed the truth. Shohei immediately went to his representatives, to the Dodgers, and to his lawyers. Ippei was fired.
No one’s been charged with anything illegal.
I want to believe Shohei. I also want to know how Ippei had access to his bank accounts, and why Shohei’s bank or money managers didn’t ask questions about $4.5 million allegedly being withdrawn in $500,000 increments. Was there a language barrier between Shohei and the people who handle his finances, and was Ippei the go-between, misrepresenting the situation? Are there cultural norms that are lost in translation? I’m standing by for news.
Egg #5 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
More baseball! Readers of Wells $treet know that I often advise would-be criminals not to get greedy.
That advice may no longer apply.
The SEC has charged one current and three former minor league baseball players with illegally profiting from inside information in the 2021 takeover of Del Taco by Jack in the Box. The feds allege that one of the four players was tipped off about the purchase and told three of his buddies. All of them are accused of using that information to buy call options on Del Taco. (Call options are cheaper than buying actual shares, but they carry more risk. #RedFlag)
The SEC says the players each made profits ranging from $25k to $65k, which I would normally consider under the radar. NO MORE. Artificial Intelligence never sleeps! According to the complaint, “The case originated from the SEC’s Market Abuse Unit’s Analysis and Detection Center, which uses data analysis tools to detect suspicious trading patterns.”
You’ve been warned.
Egg #6 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
Traditional news networks — outside of Fox — have a heckuva time hiring and keeping Republicans on air. MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace doesn’t count, as she’s now a “self-loathing former Republican.”
So it was news when NBC hired former RNC head Ronna McDaniel, a Republican who both clashed with Donald Trump while also tacitly agreeing with him that Biden didn’t win the election. Many staffers at NBC revolted over the hiring, and some of them did so on the air.
McDaniel is now out.
Surprised? No. Most of today’s mainstream media is desperately holding onto dwindling audiences in a landscape inundated with information outlets. You have to keep the viewers you still have, and you usually do that by giving them content they want to hear, the way they want to hear it. For example, immigration and the border crisis are covered differently by Fox than by MSNBC.
I’m not sure how McDaniel was going to help NBC News attract new viewers or hold onto the ones it has. She was supposed to show up once in a while and… do what? Make Chuck Todd and Rachel Maddow angry?
Politico reports that McDaniel is now consulting with lawyers about getting paid for her two-year contract worth $600,000. She worked for two days instead of two years — $300,000 per day. Not bad.
Egg #7 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
I’m sure taxpayers in Nashville appreciate the waste of time and resources used in taking a 9-1-1 call from a Vanderbilt student who was participating in a pro-Palestinian sit-in and needed to change her tampon.
The woman feared she’d be arrested if she went to the restroom, so an ambulance was called for because she was “being denied the right to change her tampon that has been in for multiple hours, which leads to an increased risk of toxic shock syndrome.”
The polite and perplexed dispatcher replied, “Ma’am, do you have an emergency?”
Somehow the tampon was eventually replaced so that the fight for justice could continue. My favorite part of the 21-hour drama is that someone brought in Panera for the security staff, but not for the students, who then displayed photos of the water bottles they were forced to pee in.
Egg #8 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
This month’s “Chutzpah Award™” goes to lawyers for the former heavy metal drummer who convinced a judge to throw out Elon Musk’s ginormous Tesla pay package. The plaintiff/drummer, Richard Tornetta, only owned nine shares of Tesla when he sued in 2018 (currently worth about $1,600), and it’s not clear he won any money in the lawsuit. Maybe if Tesla doesn’t have to pay Elon a bazillion dollars, that’ll help company profits and boost the value of Tornetta’s shares. Or maybe Elon will become less interested in Tesla, and shares will fall.
But you know who is getting paid? Tornetta’s attorneys. We don’t know how much, but the Wall Street Journal reports the attorneys want fees totaling almost $6 billion… paid in Tesla shares. “We are prepared to ‘eat our cooking,’” the plaintiff’s lead attorney Greg Varallo wrote in the filing.
For a group who argued that Musk was grossly overpaid at Tesla — where shares have surged over 700% since the lawsuit was filed — opposing counsel sure seems to believe in the value of the company he runs.
Egg #9🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
County courts in Los Angeles are dealing with a shortage of court reporters. Sorry, but who needs a human court reporter in 2024? Why is the judicial system stuck in the previous century? We have this thing called AI and apps like Otter that can record and play back testimony — with audio! — in seconds. No need for lunch breaks or health insurance! You’re not going to convince me that a human-based system is better, less fallible, and more accurate. I use Otter a lot, and it’s one of the best tools in my reporter toolbox.
Egg #10🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
Stellantis, the parent of Chrysler, has embraced work from home!
Fortune reports that the company told about 400 white-collar employees they needed to be part of an all-hands international meeting, but the meeting had to be held online, from their home computers, “to ensure everyone can effectively participate.”
All 400 workers went home, logged on, and were fired.
Egg #11 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
Kevin Hart bought a Bored Ape Yacht Club NFT (non-fungible token) for $200,000 during the height of the NFT craze, which I call the Bored After Covid Craze.
NFTs were going to be the next great investment, and Bored Apes were the most popular. In January, 2022, Hart jumped on the chance to buy one, even though he was really just buying… computer code?
Hart’s online store is selling shirts with the ape on them, but I guess the merchandise isn’t moving. According to NFT marketplace Blur.io, he just sold his Bored Ape for $47,000, a 77% loss. (Who paid the $47k?)
Still, Hart is doing better than Justin Bieber, who spent $1.3 million on a Bored Ape around the same time, only to see its value fall 96%. But Bieber’s holding on! #HODL! Who knows? Maybe he’ll be right and prices will rocket back. As my Bitcoin experience proved, I have no aptitude for timing.
Egg #12 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
Finally, I need your input on cracking this egg. It’s definitely dumb, but it may also be genius.
Alexia “Lex” Delarosa is one of the most popular “trad wives” on social media. These are women who’ve embraced the traditional 1950s lifestyle of stay-at-home super moms portrayed on television by June Cleaver (before June could “speak jive” in the film “Airplane” — a scene that would never get made in Hollywood today).
Delarosa has 450,000 followers on Instagram and another 360,000 on TikTok, where she enthralls viewers by baking from scratch, even whipping up homemade Fruit Loops. She’s beautifully dressed, and people are obsessed with how she angles her neck.
But… is this real? Is she legit, or am I’m being punked, or both?
I can usually spot a farce a mile away. This time I’m confused.
What say you?
Tomorrow: The Royal Family, Don Lemon, Stanford, and the mysterious case of the baby hedgehog.
I remember reading about how Tom Wolfe's humorously acerbic works, often about real people, often skewered their subjects. Thus, "Watch out!" was the warning when the man in the white suit was skulking in your domain. Jane Wells carries on the tradition. Yikes! Stay off her radar!
Be careful Jane, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.