Dumb & Dumber — Zooming... From My Office.
Plus Elon, Thiel vs. Buffett, and a billionaire’s hard landing.
Happy Happy Hour! TGIF! If you’re new to Wells $treet, Dumb & Dumber (D&D) is where I fall into a financial frenzy twice a month to rant about dumb moves made by smart people. No other business reporter does this, and it needs to be done, frankly. To stay informed and amused, subscribe here, and follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
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Dearest Gentle Reader (channeling Lady Whistledown), I want you to think of Dumb & Dumber as a menu. Don’t feel like you have to eat everything. Graze. Have a sampler plate. Maybe some tapas.
Or go straight to dessert. 🍰
I’ve done all the hard work so you don’t have to. Pick what you like, and take the rest home for leftovers. 🥡
Here are today’s specials.
DUMB — Rich Guy Concerned About Inflated Golf Fees
Sure, the price of gasoline is up 44%, and good luck finding a loaf of bread this summer, but one doesn’t truly realize that inflation has become untenable until booking a tee time requires a second mortgage (at over 5%).
Philadelphia Federal Reserve President Patrick Harker gave a speech to the Center for Financial Stability titled “Interesting Times.” He described the current state of the world as rather dire — at least six million dead from Covid, and the horrors of Russia invading Ukraine.
Philadelphia Fed President Patrick Harker/John Lamparski, Getty Images
Then he turned to inflation. “Inflation is widespread,” he said, and it’s showing up in unusual places.
“One of our contacts, for instance, mentioned whopping membership-fee increases at his golf club, suggesting this summer may be a good time to play at your local muni instead,” Harker chortled. (Go to the 13-minute mark.)
Hilarious! At least it is to the 1%-ers in the audience who wouldn’t be caught dead at the 9-hole, 3-par dog track of a public course where Joe Blow spends Saturdays golfing with a six-pack of Natty Ice. Hardy har Harker!
Added bonus: Let’s have a moment of silence for the net loss of 87 billionaires from the Forbes list of richest people in the world. Guess which country saw the biggest drop? Hint: None of the billionaires there can access their yachts at the moment.
DUMBER — Peter Thiel Calls Warren Buffett a Sociopathic Grandpa
Peter Thiel is a billionaire who is big into Bitcoin. Warren Buffett is a bigger billionaire who is not. At a crypto conference in Miami this week, CNBC captured Thiel’s speech, in which he calls Buffett a “sociopathic grandpa from Omaha” who is Bitcoin’s “enemy number one.”
I… uh… wow.
...
Back to you.
DUMBERER — The Oscars
In case you've been living under a rock and didn't see this/Neilson Barnard, Getty Images
I’ve nothing to add to the Will Smith debacle. He seems sincerely sorry, but slapping Chris Rock has damaged his career, perhaps permanently. Netflix has already shelved a project. Maybe the network can also mothball projects for every actor who gave Smith a standing ovation. How dumb was that?
But here’s a boneheaded Oscar decision that was actually planned. As former Oscar winners Daniel Kaluuya and the musician H.E.R. took the stage to present the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, the orchestra played Toto’s “Africa.” And the walk-up music for actress Stephanie Beatriz was Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita.”
#OscarMusicSoWhite
“How the hell is this happening,” tweeted Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone.
DUMBERERER — So Many Coincidences with Elon and Twitter!
Follow me here. It's going to take more than 280 characters.
Elon Musk becomes the largest shareholder of Twitter, and he tweets out a poll about creating an edit button (with “yes” and “no” cleverly misspelled “yse” and “on”). The lack of an edit button has enraged Twitter users since the first misspelled tweeett.
Then Twitter leadership convinces Musk to join the board — keep your enemies closer — and tells everybody they’ve already been working on an edit button “since last year.”
Since last year? Really?
If you think we’re buying that, and that Elon’s poll is just a coincidence, I’ve got a fully functioning Tesla Semi to sell you.
By the way, Elon may be in trouble with the SEC (again) because he apparently didn’t notify regulators within 10 days of acquiring at least 5% of Twitter’s outstanding shares.
He waited 20 days. Because he’s Elon F-ing Musk.
The Washington Post estimates Elon gained a handy $156 million in share value during the delay, which should more than cover a pesky potential $100,000 SEC fine.
Finally…
Some really smart and/or really lucky people bought call options on Twitter shares right before the Musk news broke. Call options make money when the stock goes up. And the stock went way up. Reuters estimates the average call options were trading for $1.26 on Thursday, then jumped to $6.92 on Monday after Elon’s stake was made public.
It’s not often one makes a 400% gain in the span of a few days. Another coincidence, you say? Let me see where I put that FSD Tesla Cybertruck. You’ll love it!
DUMBERERERER — Cars in Singapore
America’s not alone when it comes to government overreach. This item comes to you from Wells $treet subscriber Fred Chua, Founder and CEO of Quantum Asset Management in Singapore. Fred read my story last week about the underreported reasons why used car prices are so high.
You know who’s high? Singapore.
In a country where chewing gum is banned and you face potential jail time for neglecting to flush a toilet (which I actually support), residents who want to buy a vehicle must first bid to win a “Certificate of Entitlement” (COE).
Bidding happens twice a month, and if you think car registrations are expensive in the U.S., buckle your seatbelt.
The current price of a COE has reached the highest levels in nearly 30 years at $74,000 in U.S. dollars. That’s just for the right to buy the car! That doesn’t include the actual car! Talk about flushing something down the toilet!
DUMBERERERERER — The Military Industrial Complex
We used to be able to do things quickly and efficiently here in the US of A. Now, defense spending programs are more bloated than a beached Littoral Combat Ship.
It’s costing us, and not just in dollars.
The U.S. was supposed to have a hypersonic missile good to go by this September. You know, the kind that Russia’s already used in Ukraine, and the type China has demonstrated from space. These missiles are hard to track because they fly at five times the speed of sound. But America won’t have its own version for another year. Which means five years in Pentagon-speak.
Artist rendering by Lockheed Martin of hypersonic missile
Lockheed Martin is in charge of missile production and has received almost $1 billion of taxpayer money to develop it. However, Bloomberg reports the defense giant has had a hard time getting boosters to work once the missile is dropped inflight by a B-52.
Lockheed is the same company that has famously screwed up the F-35, a troubled fighter jet built by a global committee for customers who keep changing their minds about what they want the jet to do.
This is no way to be a world power. Obscene money aside (okay, not aside), somebody oughtta nuke the standard model of defense contracting and start over. Before it’s too late.
DUMBERERER-deep breath-ERERER — SoftBank’s Hard Landing
Wanna know how to make a small fortune? Put SoftBank founder Masayoshi Son in charge of investing a large one.
SoftBank founder Masayoshi Son/Tomohiro Ohsuni, Getty Images
The latest loser in Son’s portfolio is a hedge fund he liquidated after the Financial Times reports he lost between $6 billion and $7 billion because of disastrous bets on derivatives. Son has reportedly lost $1.5 billion personally.
According to Bloomberg’s Billionaires Index (I gotta lotta Bloomberg this week, they’re en fuego), Son’s fortune crashed, from $34 billion a year ago to $17.4 billion today. Halfway there!
Son famously swings big, but one of his biggest strikeouts was WeWork. When the office-sharing company’s IPO evaporated, SoftBank had to bail out WeWork to the tune of $10 billion. (Watch the Apple TV+ show, it’s excellent.)
Jared Leto as Adam Neumann, Eui-sung Kim as Masayoshi Son/“WeCrashed”/AppleTV+
DUMBEST — Back to Work… on Zoom
Corporate America wants us all to go back into the office, because it unites corporate culture... or improves collaboration... or, most likely, it lets The Man make sure you’re actually working.
So why are employees returning to their desks only to continue having meetings on Zoom? Why do you have to put on pantyhose and high heels, or slacks and dress shoes, when you’re still only seen from the waist up? WHYYYY?
Bloomberg (yes, Bloomberg again) reports that since many companies are leaning toward a hybrid approach to work, that means not everyone is in the office at the same time… so you still have to zoom.
(At least she’s not wearing heels)/Johner Images
Maddi Perkins works in finance in Dallas, and she told reporters Claire Ballentine and Allison McNeely that sometimes the person at the desk next to her will be on the same Zoom call as she is. “It’s pointless. Even when we are in the office, we’re not collaborating any more than we would just over Slack at home.” Plus, Slack at home lets you slack at home.
Quick Riffs on Ridiculousness
— FARTING BARISTA
Irish barista Cara Clarke says she refused to fart around her boyfriend for two years. The pressure built up so much that she was rushed to the hospital to have her appendix removed before it burst from infection.
Next time you let 'er rip, explain to co-workers that it’s Safety First.
— CASINO COP CAPER
The FBI has arrested a Las Vegas police officer on charges he robbed three casinos, pulling out a .357 caliber revolver at one casino and shouting, “I’m going to shoot you!” Fortunately for officer Caleb Rogers, the FBI got a hold of him before the casinos did.
— LOW MARX
The University of Florida removed Karl Marx’s name from a library study room, according to Inside Higher Ed (not Bloomberg!), saying the Russia invasion of Ukraine was behind the decision. This is the last straw? Not the tens of millions of people murdered, oppressed, or imprisoned in the name of communism over the last 100 years? Now he’s gotta go?
The Gator chapter of Young Democratic Socialists of America is pushing back, saying the Ukrainian war is just an excuse, and that the university actually made the change after being called out by “the conservative news organization Campus Reform.”
What’s more, the YDSA calls the removal of Marx’s name “historically illiterate” and “insulting to UF students who have been fighting for years to change the name of buildings glorifying racists and homophobes only to receive no response from the administration.”
Yes, Marx can find no sanctuary at today’s colleges and universities.
— EPSTEIN ISLAND INFLATION
Inflation has even hit the asking price for Jeffrey Epstein’s two Caribbean islands which are reportedly on the market for $125 million. “There’s no data that justifies $125 million,” one broker told, wait for it, Bloomberg. Plus, ewwww.
SOMETHING WONDERFUL…
Let’s end on some high notes!
First, Tiger Woods is golfing at Augusta at the age of 46 and with a rebuilt leg. He shot a 71 in the first round. Don’t ever let that guy drive a car, but hand him a driver and watch him perform miracles.
Tiger tees off from the 18th on Thursday at Augusta/Gregory Shamus, Getty Images
Also, OMG THE CBS STATION IN MINNEAPOLIS FOUND FOOTAGE OF PRINCE AT AGE 11! ADORBS!
Finally, love conquers all. Maria Avdeeva writes in Common Sense that a Ukrainian dentist named Anton Sokolov and an oncology nurse named Anastasia Grachova got married in Kharkiv. Their wedding photos were taken against a war-torn backdrop, and the happy couple celebrated with a bridal party “made up mostly of fellow volunteers from the humanitarian center where they work.”
Amazing.
Did I miss anything? How is that possible? Please notify me immediately! I enjoy receiving D&D nominees from readers, so 📫 jane@janewells.com, or join the conversation below.