Dumb & Dumber — Dirty Diaper Dealings, Trump Tax Breaks, and Missing Bolts

Plus something new: Smart & Smarter!

Two columns in one week? What an embarrassment of riches for you.

I took a break for the holidays, but now I’m back. New year, old antics. But in the spirit of optimism, Dumb & Dumber now has Smart & Smarter. Sometimes companies and individuals make intelligent financial decisions, and I’m here to celebrate that.

Here’s the latest, starting with hot takes.

— Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t get any richer, a Delaware court struck down his massive $56 billion pay package from 2018. Judge Kathaleen McCormick called the compensation an “unfathomable sum,” which the board gave Musk, hoping it would encourage him to focus on Tesla.

“Swept up by the rhetoric of ‘all upside,’ or perhaps starry-eyed by Musk’s superstar appeal,” she wrote in her 210-page opinion (yowza), “the board never asked the $55.8 billion question: Was the plan even necessary for Tesla to retain Musk and achieve its goals?”

But, um, excuse me. Shareholders approved the pay package by a majority vote. If Tesla stockholders didn’t like the deal, they could’ve torpedoed it. Those who disapproved of Musk’s compensation could’ve sold their shares, but they would’ve lost out on the nearly 700% increase in value since.

I’m trying to figure out who was harmed.

— Just when you thought you’d heard the last of Vince McMahon, the former head of WWE is being sued (again) for sexual harassment. In this case, a former employee accuses the boss of sex trafficking.

Past payouts for millions of dollars to other women didn’t stop McMahon from being welcomed back to WWE and becoming executive chairman when the company merged with Endeavor to form TKO. But accusations of forcing an employee into a threesome and then defecating on her were apparently too much, even for pro wrestling, and McMahon TKO’d himself.

McMahon resigned his position while denying the allegations. Fortunately, Forbes reports he sold $700 million in shares a few months ago. That’s money he may need if the legal system determines that his moves outside the WWE ring — unlike inside — weren’t faked.

— Just when you thought you’d never hear the phrase “Takata airbags” and “shrapnel explosions leading to death” in the same sentence again, owners of 61,000 really old cars from Toyota and GM are being told to park the vehicles until further notice. “If the airbag deploys, a part inside is more likely to explode and shoot sharp metal fragments, which could cause serious injury or death to the driver or passengers,” Toyota warned.

There have been so many problems with these airbags over the years that Takata was forced into bankruptcy 15 years ago. We’re just learning about these new problems now?

— And just when you thought California couldn’t be more addicted to spending taxpayer money, we learn that housing a prisoner in the Golden State now costs nearly $133,000 a year, twice as much as the cost of attending USC.

But here are the financial foibles that really got my blood boiling over the last month.

DUMB — $3,500 Apple Vision Pro Headset

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. When I saw the commercial during football games last Sunday, I thought it was an SNL spoof. Who knew Apple could make Google Glass look cool?

DUMBER — Wall Street Analysts

Tesla’s most recent quarter was disappointing.

Hours before the company reported earnings, Wedbush analyst Dan Ives was on CNBC, bullish as ever.

Ives loves Tesla. In an earlier appearance before Christmas, he called 2024 “a golden year for Tesla,” and he expected its market cap to top $1 trillion.

Welp, Tesla’s current market cap is $600 billion, and after it reported earnings that missed Wall Street expectations, Ives took Tesla off his “best ideas” list and cut his 12-month price target on the stock.

“We were dead wrong,” he told CNBC’s Scott Wapner.

Who is this “we”? I only see you.

Ives is not alone, but he’s an example of what happens a lot on Wall Street. Analysts fall in love with a company, refuse to see potential problems, and only cut their outlook after bad news comes out. I could do that!

No one is perfect, and everyone makes bad calls once in a while, but that doesn’t mean we keep putting them on TV.

DUMBERER — Cleaning up at The Cheesecake Factory

The restaurant industry is tough. The Cheesecake Factory (allegedly) found a way to cut costs: rip off the janitors.

California labor authorities claim that in 2018, hundreds of janitors were denied millions of dollars in overtime pay at eight stores. “Cheesecake Factory managers kept workers from going home at the end of their eight-hour, overnight shifts,” reports the Orange County Register. “The managers would inspect the restaurants and assign additional tasks to the janitors before they were allowed to leave, without paying overtime.” #LetThemEatCheesecake!

Going after janitors working the graveyard shift is a low blow. The Register reports The Cheesecake Factory and the now-bankrupt contractor who provided the janitors eventually agreed to a $1 million settlement, without admitting guilt. Now authorities are trying to track down the 559 janitors owed back pay.

My advice to management: If you want to save money at The Cheesecake Factory, slash the menu from 132 pages to five.

DUMBERERER — Dirty Diaper Dealings

Kyte Baby sells organic baby products and has “a cult following,” according to Axios.

One of its employees, Marissa Hughes, requested to work remotely because the baby she adopted was born prematurely and had to stay in NICU. Her request was denied.

Hughes’ sister put the story on TikTok, a social media platform that exists for outrage. Parents threatened a boycott.

Kyte Baby CEO Ying Liu then put out an apology on TikTok. Apologies on TikTok never go over well. It’s kinda like being Mark Zuckerberg at a Congressional hearing about online child safety. You can’t win.

Anywho… Liu was accused of sounding scripted in her first apology, and it looks like the post was taken down. She then decided to go off script with a second apology apologizing for the first apology, and posted it… on TikTok. I’m popping popcorn waiting for apology #3.

Liu was right to apologize and admit that her decision to reject her employee’s request was “selfish.” But if you need to apologize, don’t do it with a social media video. Release a statement, make it right with the employee, and move on.

DUMBERERERER —Trump v. Carroll

Donald Trump may have some big bills to pay, including a whopping $83.3 million to E. Jean Carroll for defamation. Trump called her a liar when she claimed he assaulted her nearly 30 years ago. (A different jury earlier awarded Carroll $5 million, finding Trump liable for sexual abuse.)

If you cackled with glee at the decision, you’d better sit down.

Forbes reports that according to IRS rules, Trump may be able to deduct some or all of his damages as a business deduction, since Carroll claims he used his office to defame her.

Meantime, Carroll may have to pay income tax on the full value of the award, since her damages weren’t physical. What’s more, she may also have to pay taxes on the money that goes to attorneys fees, and the attorneys will also have to pay taxes on the same money. #Justice

Trump vows to appeal the award, but no matter how much money Carroll ends up with, after taxes, she may not be able to buy Rachel Maddow a penthouse. (Below is a weird interview.)

DUMBEST — If It’s Boeing, I Ain’t Going

Back in the old days when Boeing made dependable, safe airplanes, there was a popular phrase — “If it ain’t Boeing, I ain’t going.” Competitor Airbus was nicknamed “Scarebus.”

In recent years, though, the scary stuff has been at Boeing. In 2018 and 2019, two crashes of 737 MAX 8 aircraft killed 346 people. Software on the aircraft could override the pilots, but nobody told the pilots.

Lawsuits and investigations followed, the CEO was fired (with an $62 million golden parachute), and Boeing learned a painful lesson.

We thought.

Well, as you know, the 737 MAX 9 has issues with missing bolts. Who’s to blame? Boeing’s current CEO admits it’s Boeing’s fault. “We caused the problem, and we understand that,” Dave Calhoun said during the latest earnings call. “Whatever conclusions are reached, Boeing is accountable for what happened.”

Boeing reported $22 billion in sales last year. And still lost money. The company has suspended any financial guidance for 2024. Mayday!

Calhoun personally lost a $7 million bonus for failing to get the new 777X to market, but he still got paid over $22 million in 2023 because… I dunno.

Meantime, Reuters reports that Boeing withdrew a request for an FAA exemption from a safety standard for the 737 MAX 7, which is awaiting certification to enter service (I can’t keep all these MAX models straight — 7, 8, 9, 10).

Reuters says Boeing was originally hoping to get an exemption on “an anti-ice system that can overheat and cause the engine nacelle to break apart and fall off. This could generate fuselage-penetrating debris, which could endanger passengers in window seats behind the wing.”

To repeat, Boeing wanted an exemption because it allegedly thought the chances of problems remote.

This week I flew home from Hawaii on a United Boeing 757. My seatmate noted the larger aircraft and said, “The good news is this plane is old, so it left the factory with all of its bolts.” I laughed, and wondered how quickly I could order a drink.

DUMB… but Wonderful!

— Who knew that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen had a sense of humor? I once saw her give a speech, and for 40 minutes she created the most opaque and dull word salad ever. It was impressively uninformative.

But it turns out there’s a heart beating beneath that Nina McLemore jacket with a popped collar.

Yellen went on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” and revealed that in college, she “overprepared” for a party where she expected to smoke marijuana for the first time. She’d never smoked anything in her life. “All week, preparing for this party, I smoked cigarettes,” Yellen said. “I went to the party, smoked a couple of marijuana cigarettes — I never did that again.”

She did, however, become hooked on cigarettes, smoking up to three packs a day before quitting. Yellen also told the show’s hosts that her current addiction is video games, including Candy Crush. “This morning, I hit level 6,180.”

SMART & SMARTER

Sometimes, things go right in Corporate America! Yay!

SMART — The Stanley Cup

Let’s take a moment to bow down to Terence Reilly, President of Stanley. After turning Crocs into a juggernaut, Reilly came to Stanley to shake up the staid brand known for bland-looking but dependable supersized mugs.

Reilly’s team began thinking bigger. The New Yorker reports the company launched a successful cup tie-in with country music star Lainey Wilson last year, which quickly sold out. Then — by sheer luck — a woman posted a video of her car on fire with everything destroyed, except her Stanley cup.

But the stroke of real genius was the special pink cups Stanley produced ahead of Valentine’s Day. They sold out at Target. People got into fights over them. A woman was arrested for allegedly stealing 65 mugs.

Sure, the cups contain lead, which isn’t a problem unless you damage them, but don’t let the facts get in the way of my admiration!

SMARTER — Walmart. Yes, I Said Walmart.

Many Walmart store managers started out as hourly employees. In order to retain this homegrown talent, the company is now raising base pay for managers to $128,000 a year, increasing performance bonuses, and awarding managers annual stock grants worth up to $20,000.

The Cheesecake Factory should take note.

What’s more, Walmart is doing a 3-for-1 stock split to lower the price of shares, and the CEO hopes that will encourage more employees to buy stock in the company. It’s a great way to reward employees without raising prices for customers, and if more people take advantage of the lower stock price, it’ll be good for shareholders, too.

Win-win-win.

SMARTEST — 1989 and the Super Bowl

Omg leave Taylor Swift alone. Some of the more unhinged supporters of Donald Trump are promising a “holy war” against the singer if she publicly supports Joe Biden, as she did in 2020. Fox’s Jesse Watters pondered whether Swift has “blown up” in popularity over the last few years because the Pentagon may be using her as a psychological operations asset.

This is where we are in 2024, America.

Well, braving the wrath of nut jobs everywhere, American Airlines is celebrating Taylor’s (apparent) lovefest with Kansas City Chiefs superstar Travis Kelce by offering direct flights between KC and Las Vegas for the Super Bowl.

The flight number out? 1989, after Swift’s Grammy-winning album. The flight back? 87, Kelce’s jersey number.

Well done, AA, well done. (Slow clap…)