Dumb & Dumber: From Billionaires to Barbie

Plus: A New York v. Los Angeles Stupidity Smackdown

Where has the summer gone? It’s disappearing faster than Ron DeSantis’ campaign staff.

Fortunately for Dumb & Dumber, financial foibles never take a vacation. In fact, they worked overtime in July. This month’s poor money moves and other bad behavior include:

— Bank of America took Wells Fargo’s crown as Most Boorish Bank after being fined $250 million for opening credit cards without customers’ knowledge, double-charging fees for insufficient funds, withholding credit card rewards, and other malfeasance over “several years.” I expect real fees will go up to help pay BofA’s fee for the fake fees.

— The TSA is investigating Clear, the system that helps you pass through airport security more quickly. Bloomberg reports transportation authorities are concerned that 49,000 Clear customers may not have been property identified. Photos in the Clear system weren’t always clear. And last summer, a man using a false identity and carrying banned ammunition managed the clear Clear, before being stopped by the TSA.

— The only thing worse than being forced to sit for hours on the tarmac in Las Vegas in triple-digit heat aboard a Delta flight without air conditioning… is being stared at by a 366-foot tall creepy digital eyeball on the Strip.

— Being rich greatly increases your chances of getting into an elite university like Harvard, where you can take classes from a business professor specializing in dishonesty who’s on leave because her work may be dishonest.

— Two male Los Angeles Police officers were awarded $13 MILLION by a jury after claiming they were discriminated against because their bosses assumed they drew a Hitler mustache on the face of a passed out drunk driver. Their two female police partners weren’t even suspected, let alone the paramedics who apparently had a history of Hitler hijinx. Please someone, anyone, accuse me of something I may or may not have done so I can sue you and become a millionaire. PLEASE.

— July’s “Chutzpah Award” goes to Jennifer McBride. She sued Lady Gaga to receive the $500,000 reward for information leading to the recovery of the singer’s two French bulldogs which were stolen in a violent encounter in 2021. TMZ reports the judge tossed out the suit because McBride played a role in the theft.

— And here’s my absolute favorite video of 2023. People are so sick of crime that a guy trying to rob a nail salon in Atlanta gives up when he’s ignored.

But let’s take a closer look at the month’s most cautionary tales, followed by a heartwarming story from Hollywood.

DUMB - Hunter S. Thompson Biden

I don’t really think I have to explain. Troubled person + access to power = national security concern for 340 million people.

The judge in Hunter Biden’s tax evasion case balked at details of a plea agreement, so the President’s son pleaded not guilty. Now he’ll have to sell more paintings to Democratic donors to continue paying his lawyers.

But this fiasco is bigger than Biden. It includes the mainstream media ignoring the story for so long (except the New York Post). It includes those in the administration who treated Biden differently, according to IRS whistleblowers. And then there’s Marjorie Taylor Greene — who never disappoints when it comes to disappointing — flashing Hunter nudes during a Congressional hearing.

Geez, people. Sometimes America reminds me of Rudy Giuliani 2001 vs. 2023. I shake my head and wonder what happened.

DUMBER - Threads Unravels

Meta is back! Shares are up over 160% this year, even though the company has lost nearly $34 billion since the end of 2020 pursuing the metaverse, according to Fortune.

Mark Zuckerberg believes one bright spot for Meta will be Threads, his answer to Twitter, or “X,” as Elon Musk has renamed his money-losing platform.

Did I sign up for Threads? Yes. Do I check it regularly? No.

Reuters reports that Zuckerberg admitted to employees this week that Threads has lost momentum. After an incredibly strong start — 100 million signups — traffic has dropped by more than half. One analysis says daily average user numbers plummeted to 13 million.

Threads lacks many of X’s important features, like searching for topics or what’s trending. There’s still no desktop version. Meta promises that more features are on the way, but why would you release such an important product without these functions? Why build the social media version of an airplane in flight?

I worked for Meta, writing Wells $treet for Bulletin, a newsletter platform that Zuckerberg hoped would be monetizable and meaningful, like Substack. It wasn’t. The people I worked with at Bulletin were wonderful, and the pay was fantastic, but the tech was glitchy. Features were missing, drafts were lost, and fellow writers commiserated about the lack of publishing options. A lot of important features were added months after launch, but by then Big Tech was losing money as interest rates rose, and Bulletin was shut down.

It’s one thing to take on a smaller player like Substack with a half-completed product and fail. But to take on X, the well-established leader of a much larger platform, with another incomplete product? I’m not saying Threads won’t be successful, but we’ve gotten our first taste of a Musk-Zuck cage fight, and Mark is pulling punches, promising to add them later.

DUMBERER - Fraud with Fly Boys

British billionaire Joe Lewis is accused by U.S. prosecutors of engaging in insider trading over a period of eight years. In other words, it’s Wednesday.

The 86-year-old tycoon allegedly gathered non-public information about public companies, often while hosting parties on the “Aviva,” his superyacht described as a “floating palace.” Then he allegedly passed those tips on to friends and employees, including current and former lovers, a poker-playing buddy in Argentina, and his private jet pilots, 66-year-old Patrick O’Connor and 64-year-old Bryan Waugh.

In one case, the feds claim Lewis received early positive data from a drug trial at Mirati Therapeutics and told the pilots to buy shares ahead of the official announcement. He even (allegedly) loaned them $500k each to make the trades, believing the profits could make up for the lack of a retirement plan (you don’t get rich providing employees with a 401k, amirite?).

One of the pilots — according to the Justice Department — passed along the Mirati stock tip to a friend. “Boss mentioned around 6 to 8 weeks for [Mirati] to take profit,” he texted. The indictment claims the pilot also said he thought “the Boss has inside info.” (Wait, did he just think the Boss had inside info, or did the boss tell him so? This is why insider trading cases are hard to prove.)

But here’s the kicker. The pilot assured his friend, “All conversations on app is encrypted, so all good. No one can ever see.” 

Someone needs to read this column once in a while. I keep warning you folks about putting stuff in writing.

Lewis’ attorney denies the allegations, and the billionaire is free on $300 million bail, secured by his yacht and jet. The pilots have also been arrested. Maybe “Boss” can tip them off to a good attorney.

DUMBERERER — Bob Iger’s Not So Magic Kingdom

Bob Iger is not an idiot. He just plays one on TV.

After returning as CEO of Disney last November when his successor was booted (reportedly with Iger’s help), everyone from Wall Street to Hollywood to…Iger…thought he’d turn the company around. Instead, he’s driving the crazy car to hell on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Disney continues to suffer from gargantuan streaming losses. There have been thousands of job cuts, and fewer people came to Disney World over the 4th of July.

Now actors and writers have gone on strike, with no end in sight.

An article in the Wall Street Journal titled “Bob Iger Isn’t Having Much Fun” suggested the CEO has been “tone deaf” for sitting courtside at NBA games and dressing up for the Met Gala as employees were losing their jobs. He’s also been telling folks how excited he is about his new superyacht (another superyacht), which will be 30-feet longer than the first one.

Then came Sun Valley. While attending the annual retreat frequented by billionaires who gather to, I dunno, binge watch “The Bear” while snacking on popcorn covered with edible gold, Iger told CNBC’s David Faber that striking writers and actors just don’t get it.

“There’s a level of expectation that they have that is just not realistic,” he said. “And they are adding to the set of the challenges that this business is already facing that is, quite frankly, very disruptive.” 

I’ll tell you what’s not realistic. Expecting a statement like that to fly when you’re in Sun Valley and you just signed a two-year extension of your CEO deal reportedly worth more than $50 million.

SAG President Fran Drescher was quick to react: “Are you an ignoramus?” I’m with her, though I’m still getting used to saying “President Fran Drescher.”

DUMBERERERER - Outrage Overload

Everyone is either a racist or they’re grooming America’s children to become gender-confused sex slaves.

For example, it’s apparently controversial that Luke Combs sang a cover of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” which has outperformed the original on the Billion Hot 100. Why is this concerning? Because he’s a white male country star and she’s Black and queer.

Oh.

But wait. Tracy reportedly loves the new version, and she’s also making a killing on songwriting royalties.

Meantime, the culture wars continue at America’s schools. At one elementary school in Temecula, California, parents fear that, um, 10-year-old Kyle will insist on being called “Kylie” and demand gender-affirming treatment because there’s a three-paragraph mention of Harvey Milk in the curriculum. One school board member even referred to Milk as a “pedophile.”

Red and blue haven’t been this divisive since the Crips and the Bloods. (Is that racist?)

If everyone is either racist or a threat to America’s children (or both), there’s a danger that we all start to lose interest. We stop listening. Which is exactly what real racists and pedophiles want.

DUMBERERERERER — OMG There’s another Bankman-Fried!

Sam Bankman-Fried still thinks he can win this thing, all on this own. He’s that smart.

SBF was almost sent back to jail this week as the judge in his FTX fraud case nearly sided with prosecutors. According to my good friend Zack Guzman, who was in the courtroom for Coinage, SBF has made over 100 calls with journalists, and sent over 1,000 emails. One. Thousand. Emails.

The fallen crypto baron admits he was the source for a New York Times story on the diary of Caroline Ellison, his ex-girlfriend and fellow executive who is a star witness in the case against him. Prosecutors argued in court that this was discrediting the witness and influencing potential jurors. They asked the judge to send SBF back to jail.

The judge made no immediate decision, but he did slap Sam with a gag order. I’m sure that’ll work. Does the judge not understand how incredibly smart he is? Instead of direct calls and emails, he’ll just ask someone else to do it for him. Brilliant!

Meantime, Sam’s younger brother, Gabe (yes, there’s another Bankman-Fried!), is accused in a lawsuit of wanting to use money from FTX’s nonprofit arm to buy the tiny Pacific island-nation of Nauru as a redoubt in case of an apocalypse… and also for possible laboratory experiments. Bloomberg printed part of the complaint:

Yes, other useful things might include evading U.S. authorities.

DUMBERERERERERER — Tipping is Outta Control

I’ve always been a dependable tipper, but I’ve reached my tipping point.

I don’t want to be prompted by a credit card reader to tip 30% for someone putting a donut in a bag and handing it to me. I can afford it, but it seems extortion-y.

I’m not alone.

“Ever since COVID, this guilt charging has gotten out of control,” one patron told L.A. Magazine in a story that included a restaurant receipt showing a $3 “donation” for two glasses of tap water.

“It’s more than fatigue, it’s irritation,” Michael Lynn of Cornell’s School of Hotel Administration told CNBC. “It’s not tip creep, it’s tip gallop.”

It’s hard to understand where tipping stops and fees start. Two waiters of a popular chain of restaurants in Los Angeles called Jon & Vinny’s have filed a lawsuit claiming the owners misled customers about an 18% “service fee” added to every check.

“This service charge has been in the form of an automatic charge which customers are required to pay, and which reasonably appears to be a gratuity for the service staff,” the lawsuit reads. Except, they claim, only some of that fee goes to service staff. The rest goes to management.

I don’t even wanna eat out anymore.

DUMBEST - Millions Wasted in L.A., and a Billion-Dollar “Bad Deal” In New York

Here’s an East Coast v. West Coast competition that no one wants to win.

There are 75,000 homeless people in Los Angeles County, and 46,000 of them live in the City of Angels. It’s nothing short of a humanitarian crisis.

Mayor Karen Bass made it her primary goal to do something about it, and she launched “Inside Safe” last December to move people off streets and into permanent housing.

How’s it going? Well after a lot of hounding by reporters and city councilmembers for some numbers, in July we learned:

— Los Angeles taxpayers have so far spent $40 million on the program.

— 1,400 people have been housed.

— 77 of those have moved into permanent housing.

Let’s see, $40 million divided by 77 is (punches calculator) $519,480.52 per person. That must be some housing.

Mayor Bass blames federal red tape for the lack of results. But people still have a lotta questions for her staff.

“You can’t even tell me where the rooms are and how many rooms there are and what hotels they’re at,” said Marqueece Harris-Dawson, one of the few remaining members of the Los Angeles City Council who hasn’t been indicted for some financial crime.

There’s another $260 million earmarked for Inside Safe, and based on past performance, that should reduce the 46,000 homeless population in Los Angeles by… 500 people.

Meanwhile, back east:

New York State and the city of Buffalo have spent almost $1 billion to build Tesla one of the largest solar panel manufacturing plants in the world for its solar energy unit. The government owns the building and leases it to Tesla for $1 a year.

The deal was announced in 2015 with much excitement by then-Gov. Andrew Cuomo, long before his brother helped him destroy his career. Elon Musk proclaimed the factory would eventually churn out enough solar panels for 1,000 installations a week.

Instead, the Wall Street Journal reports the weekly installation average is… 21.

The 3,000 expected jobs at the plant never materialized. Many of the 1,700 workers are Tesla data engineers employed there so the company can meet the minimum staffing requirements to avoid penalties.

The Journal reports that so little manufacturing is being done that the state is selling equipment at a loss.

“It was a bad deal,” says Democratic State Senator Sean Ryan.

Yes it was.

💰💰💰💰💰

SOMETHING WONDERFUL — Barbie Pays Off Dream Home (for Mom)

Let’s end with a tale of money well spent.

“Barbie” star Margot Robbie was able to pursue a career in acting because her single mother took out a home loan to help cover Margot’s bills.

The actor tells CBS This Morning that she kept track of every penny her mom gave her, writing it all down. “I have that piece of paper still,” she says.

Not only did Margot pay it all back, but when she eventually started making some real money in Hollywood, she paid off her mother’s entire loan. “I was like, ‘Mom, don’t even worry about that mortgage anymore. It doesn’t exist anymore.’” 

What a doll. 💖

Did I miss anything? Lemme know in the comments. And please share Wells $treet with like-minded snarkers.