Dumb & Dumber — Tuck-Friendly Swimsuits, Disney & DeSantis, and “The World’s Laziest Scammer”

Mistakes cost money.

May 31, 2023

You know who’s having a bad week? Elizabeth Holmes.

I hope she received counseling about what to expect in federal prison, but if she didn’t, forward her my previous article.

What a month! As the greatest nation on Earth depends on lawmakers like Dianne Feinstein and George Santos to pass legislation, as the CEO of the largest bank failure in U.S. history blames it on tweets, as we learn that some dude in the National Guard kept having access to top secret information after being caught copying it down, and as a study reveals that Americans who got a break from paying student loans spent that savings on more debt, well (inhale), I’m happy to say we’re still standing. Why? Because most Americans can still laugh at our mistakes, and maybe even learn from them.

Here are a few cautionary tales from May.

DUMB — LGBTQOMGWTF

Dodgers to Bud Light: Hold my beer. After Bud Light’s PR fiasco sending beer to a trans influencer, the Los Angeles Dodgers hit a huge foul ball. The team with the highest attendance in baseball (and also the highest risk of being beaten up in the parking lot) invited, then disinvited, then invited back, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, “a leading edge Order of queer and trans nuns” who “use humor and irreverent wit to expose the forces of bigotry, complacency and guilt that chain the human spirit.”

Pitcher Clayton Keyshaw wasn’t happy about the flip flop, so he announced the team will also host a Christian Faith and Family Day.

So this is going well.

But wait! There’s more! Target then stumbled into its own inclusive kerfuffle, pulling merch celebrating Pride Month after some customers complained. The removed items included “tuck friendly” swimsuits which allow trans women to hide their male genitalia. (TIL… )

Look, people, in the culture wars, thoughtfully pick a side and stick with it. The only thing Americans hate more than virtue-signaling is being wishy-washy.

DUMBER — The Disney-DeSantis Death Dance

This is really dumb. In one corner, we have a guy who wants to be President and thinks that going to war with the Happiest Place on Earth over “wokeness” will win him independent voters.

In the other corner, we have an allegedly family-friend company potentially using this tiff as cover for cutbacks it already needed to make for financial reasons (like closing the ridiculously expensive “Star Wars” hotel).

Nobody wins here. Florida loses.

But while Disney (75,000 Florida jobs) gets dissed, Gov. Ron DeSantis instead courts Elon Musk’s SpaceX (11,000 Florida jobs). After DeSantis’ presidential campaign launch with Musk was nearly aborted on Twitter, (go in eight and a half minutes here), the governor immediately signed legislation protecting rocket companies like SpaceX from launch liability — proving Ron can quid like a pro!

DUMBERER — Political Priorities

A lot of attention has been paid to a city councilwoman in Los Angeles who is blaming Toyota for Prius catalytic converter thefts. I mean, the converters are just there for the taking! This is like blaming rape victims for wearing short skirts.

But there’s another story about political priorities you may not have heard. An Arizona company called Avid Telecom stands accused of making or facilitating 7.5 billion robocalls to people on the Do Not Call List, including calls where recorded voices allegedly threatened phony legal action from the Social Security Administration or pretended to be from Amazon.

The Attorney General of Arizona sued. If there was ever a lawsuit I could get behind, this is it.

The company denies the charges.

Since Avid operates in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, the attorneys general of 47 other states and DC have now joined Arizona in the case.

However, for reasons I cannot fathom, two states have decided to sit this one out— Alaska and South Dakota. Wha… ? Do they not have cellphones? Did they really need that car warranty?

DUMBERERER— Escape from Reality

John Manchec is a French millionaire jailed in Florida on dozens of child pornography charges. That’s a three-strike sentence right there: French, rich, kiddie porn.

Manchec somehow managed to make friends behind bars, despite facing charges that usually land an inmate in solitary confinement for his own protection.

Hmmmm, how did that happen? Oh yeah, he’s rich.

Manchec earlier jumped bail and hid out in his French chateau. France refused to extradite him to the U.S. — surprising no one — but he was eventually nabbed in the Dominican Republic, which did return him. (Note to self: Don’t leave the country that’s protecting you.)

Back in jail in Florida, police say Manchec then hatched a complex plot to escape. First, he paid the bail for a cellmate to get out of the slammer and start living at one of his properties. Investigators say that guy, plus a few others, concocted the following plan: When Manchec would be transported to a medical appointment, they’d intercept the jail van, pepper-spray the corrections officers, and whisk the millionaire away to his private plane and/or yacht. Then off to France they’d go.

A member of the plot tipped off the Sheriff’s department, probably realizing that the odds of success were low and Manchec would throw everyone under the prison bus. The escape was foiled, and now the French millionaire faces even more charges.

Dishonorable Mentions:

— A YouTuber who filmed himself being “forced” to abandon his plane in midair actually intended to crash the plane. Fortunately no one died, but Trevor Daniel Jacob has pled guilty to later destroying the crashed aircraft, obstructing a federal investigation.

— A Colorado driver is accused of switching places with his dog when pulled over for a DUI. (Man, you gotta be really drunk.) “The dog does not face any charges and was let go with just a warning.”

DUMBERERERER — Bonkers Bankers

While the CEO of Silicon Valley Bank grabbed most of the headlines for blaming everyone and everything but himself for the largest bank failure in U.S. history, my favorite regional-bank-outrage tale comes from the demise of First Republic, the second largest bank failure.

FR made a lot of its money selling interest-only jumbo mortgages to high-net-worth home buyers when rates were low. Those buyers wouldn’t have to pay any principal for a decade. But when rates went up, the loans were money-losers. Who could have predicted that rates would someday go up? What madness is this?

What’s more, Bloomberg reports that the average employee salary at First Republic was (gulp) $310,000, but some high-performing players made a lot more. Like, a lot more. One reportedly made $35 million last year, more than the salary of JPMorgan’s Jamie Dimon, even though his bank swallowed up First Republic.

At this rate, we’re going to end up with one bank, ChaseWellsBofA.

DUMBEST — “The World’s Laziest Stock Scammer”

If you give thousands of dollars to someone online to invest without doing a single Google search, well, you’re probably not reading this newsletter.

Has it really gotten so easy to rip off people? Apparently so.

Forbes reporter Brandon Kochkodin has the story of “Doug Hogue,” dubbing him “the world’s laziest stock scammer,” because he’s hardly working at this. Kochkodin claims “Doug” cozies up to people online passionately looking for things like meme stocks to invest in. He (they?) then promise outrageous returns if people open a trading account on his “platform” called “Spark Fusion.” At least one customer claims he sent $5,000 which eventually disappeared.

Kochkodin reports there were red flags everywhere if people just tried. The investor who lost five grand says the money for Spark Fusion was sent to a private bank account in Nevada. A simple Google search showed that the company’s address is either on the island of Dominica or “in a fake office in Queens, NY.” Looks like it’s a Trader Joe’s.

Doug’s earlier profile picture on Twitter was actually a photo of Connor Pollifrone, who runs a trading channel on YouTube. Pollifrone says he tried numerous times to have Twitter take action, and it looks like “Doug” now has a new photo… I have no clue who it really is, but the account remains “verified” with a blue check.

When the Forbes reporter reached out to Twitter about the matter, the company responded with a poop emoji. When he reached out to Doug directly, he says Doug tried to get him to invest $250,000.

Always Be Closing.

I reached out to Doug myself, and he replied:

Someone needs to invest in ChatGPT.

💰💰💰💰💰

DUMB BUT WONDERFUL

Finally, let’s turn that frown upside down!

We love animals at Wells $treet, especially dogs. One of man’s best friends happily followed its owner — a suspected armed robber — on a high-speed chase through Los Angeles. In a city famous for police pursuits, this one actually surprised the news helicopter pilot.