Update on Wells $treet!

She lives!, you exclaim. Yes, I’m still here, even though I’ve been quiet lately. I’ve been out earning money, because the kitchen isn’t gonna remodel itself.

But there’s more to it than that, and I feel you deserve an explanation.

Many of you subscribed to this column way back when I started Wells $treet three years ago. That’s when Facebook — now Meta — hired me as part of its original group of writers for Bulletin.

I’ve been able to write about anything I felt worth noting, from the real story behind the sriracha shortage to touring alone across Japan to the saga of a Texas dog lawyer to the dramatic rescue of an Afghan interpreter to the latest trends in the funeral industry. A recurring and popular column is Dumb & Dumber, a roundup of boneheaded moves in business.

The latest funeral trend: human composting.

Writing this column has been a joy. The paycheck from Meta was great, but — shocker! — Zuck & Co. discovered they couldn’t make money off a bunch of random journos, so when interest rates rose and tech stocks fell, Bulletin was one of the first things to go. (Truth be told, while some of us worked our butts off, a lot of high-profile Bulletin writers hired by Meta did not work hard. They put out hastily-written or repurposed columns that barely met the minimum terms of their contracts, while gulping up most of the Facebook firehose of cash.)

When Bulletin shut down, I moved Wells $treet to Substack, where I do not get paid. I could charge a subscription, but only 10 of you would sign up out of pity, netting me about $30 a month. I will never do that. So Wells $treet has become a hobby, one requiring work. Unlike other strenuous hobbies, such as golf, where I can flail and fail in private, and where even Joe Biden apparently has a better handicap, with this hobby, a newsletter, my shortcomings are public. Therefore, I obsess over every sentence. Given the caliber of writing, this probably surprises you.

But I spend a lot of time working on each column, gathering all of the research, conducting interviews, and then writing it up. I read and re-read drafts, like, 500 times, and even after all that, I publish each newsletter only to find two typos too late, which makes me want to jump off a bridge. I also strive a little too hard to be snarky and clever, ranting about fiscal mismanagement or hurling fusillades of funny(ish) insults, when I should probably focus my energy on something positive, like rescuing wounded raccoons.

So I’m taking a break.

In the meantime, there’s some other writing I want to do. Read on!

I’m pausing the newsletter as I work on a different passion project, one that also brings in no money but tickles me to no end. It’s a very occasional podcast I created years ago called “Top Story Tonight!” The podcast is scripted and uses actors to combine history with comedy and bad journalism (very similar to this week’s presidential debate). Episodes take listeners back in time to hear “reporters” and “influencers” weigh in on big events as they’re happening.

My first season retold the story of the Mayflower, and I learned a lot during that process about how to write and produce scripts and cast voiceover actors. Then I took on a really big project — the story of Jesus — funding it with a successful Kickstarter campaign that some of you graciously supported. That endeavor taught me a whole lot more. (Here’s a link to “Top Story Tonight: Jesus!” on Apple, but you can find it on any podcast platform.)

For a long time I’ve been working on “Top Story Tonight: Kleopatra!” Yes, with a “K.” In it, listeners get a front row seat to the tragic saga of the richest person in the Roman Empire (a woman!), who drops the “C” in her name because she’s the original Kardashian. In my retelling, an aging Julius Caesar (baby daddy #1) sounds a bit like an addled Biden, while baby daddy #2, Mark Antony, is Kanye-esque. Herod is back from the Christmas story, sounding like Trump, and Kleopatra’s arch-rival, Octavian, has the personality of Elon Musk. I crack myself up.

The script has been slowly coming along, but I can’t quite motivate myself to finish it. Maybe this year’s discouraging election season is making me hesitant, or maybe I fear that America is in decline like ancient Rome, or perhaps I’ve got a sinking feeling that Kim Kardashian could really end up being the richest woman in the world. Whatever. I suddenly feel tugged to shift gears.

A friend once recommended that I do a season of “Top Story Tonight!” focusing on the women of the Bible, and I like the idea. These women generally get short shrift, especially in the Old Testament. Eve breaks the one rule given to her and Adam, and we all pay the price for it. Rachel and Leah are forced to pull a fast one on Jacob during his wedding. Potiphar’s wife is a woman scorned, Rahab is a prostitute, Bathsheba loses her husband, Delilah is bad news, and Gomer (Gomer?!) is a slut.

What if I retold some of these stories and included the women’s point of view?

I’m starting with Esther, because she’s especially interesting. She’s a beautiful young Jewish woman who hides her ethnicity and is chosen by a Persian king to be his new wife. The previous wife, Vashti, is banished for not obeying her husband’s command to appear before him and his drunken buddies. Later, Esther has to risk everything to save her people when the Jews are threatened with extinction (sound familiar?).

Queen Esther by Edwin Long

I’m spending the summer writing a script. I envision Esther as a sort of Princess Diana, and King Xerxes is Charles. Queen Vashti isn’t Camilla, but in my telling, the Queen won’t go quietly. In “Top Story Tonight: Esther!” Vashti goes on a 5th Century BC version of The View, where a very young Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg provide a sympathetic audience.

JOY: “I can’t even spell Xerxes.”

WHOOPI: “That dude is so not my king.”

Meantime, a Persian ancestor of Christiane Amanpour provides live coverage:

CHRISTIANE: Joining me now is one of the King’s eunuchs, Bigtha, to help us understand. Bigtha, thank you for coming on short notice as this story unfolds.

BIGTHA: A pleasure.

CHRISTIANE: How did the Queen get on the King’s bad side?

BIGTHA: Well, on the last day of the banquet, the King was in high spirits (laugh). No one parties harder than Xerxes!

CHRISTIANE: So I’ve heard…

BIGTHA: …So he calls me in with six other eunuchs who serve him, and commands us to bring in the Queen, wearing her royal crown!, so he can show off her beauty to everyone.

CHRISTIANE: She is stunningly beautiful.

BIGTHA: I guess. Hashtag “eunuch.” (Awkward laugh.)

Silence

#####

There will be lots of social media involved, a cable news debate, and Tucker Carlson will promote some wild conspiracy theory to make Haman the hero (he’s not).

In the end, we learn the story of Esther, or we relearn it with new appreciation. My goal is to inform and entertain. #Purim2024

The informing part I can do. The funny, clever, entertaining part? Well, that’s where you may be able to help me.

As I write over the next several months, I may workshop some script ideas in this column to get your feedback. This allows me to steal your ideas for free.

I realize that doing this publicly risks having someone rip off my entire idea! But if anyone is crazy enough to do that and thinks they can make a profit, good luck.

Until then, send me your free ideas about Old Testament stories with a modern media twist. You can put them in the comments section or email me at jane@janewells.com. To be clear, you will receive no compensation for this. This is about me, not you.

I won’t just write about the women of the Bible, either, because most of the Good Book is about men, and that’s fertile ground for “Top Story Tonight!” Like, Adam is forced to join Eve in marriage counseling. Joseph reveals himself to his brothers on an Egyptian Jerry Springer Show. David slays Goliath in the Octagon. And Moses’ press secretary, Aaron, asks the press corps gathered outside Pharaoh’s palace, “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

And then I’ll get back to Kleopatra…